Late-Night Hosts Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

Television's top hosts devoted their broadcast criticizing former President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, labeled the "gold card," describing it as a blatant cash-for-residency arrangement for the rich.

The Late Show's Sarcastic Analysis

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical Christmas song directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "The President ... destroys all he handles."

The focus was the new program that permits international individuals to purchase U.S. residency for an investment of one million dollars, or "top-tier" version for five million. An official website pledges approval "in record time."

"One message here to rich immigrants: before you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the scheme is also meant to "squeeze cash" from businesses wishing to hire skilled workers, involving large costs. "That's a lot of fees, though if you register, you also get two free nights at a property of your selection – provided that it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"The most thorough background check the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants truly qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will permit wealthy international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."

"Perhaps it's time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the brevity of the form, saying it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping poll numbers during financial concerns. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term since they were mad about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a effort to tackle prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a display of grocery items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he remarked.