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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.